My Disturbing Interview With Two Film Critics
Rick Retro’s Realm, The Realm Report #3: Also including news and updates.
In this issue of The Realm Report, I interview two noted film critics, who have applied to be occasional guest reviewers for Retro Movie Reviews.
My Disturbing Interview With Two Film Critics
Rick Retro: Rick Retro here in my Reel Room, the nerve center of Retro Movie Reviews, where I screen classic and not-so-classic films, research important and not-so-important cinematic facts, compose scintillating and not-so-scintillating movie reviews, and interface with the outside world via high-tech and not-so-high tech communications systems.
I’m here today with film critics Count Doctor Gene Siskelsteinula of the Transylvania Tribune and Roger Egor of the Transylvania Moon-Times. Gentlemen, thanks for checking in with me. Can you see and hear me OK?
Siskelsteinula: Wery vell, yez.
Egor: Yeth, Meethter Retro.
Rick Retro: Excellent. And you can call me Rick. Thank you for your application to be guest reviewers for Retro Movie Reviews. As a relatively new endeavor, I wasn’t expecting critics with such well-established reputations to apply, so I am honored to meet you and introduce you to my readers.
Siskelsteinula: Vell, eet eez our pleazure.
Egor: Yeth, Meethter Reek.
Rick Retro: I understand that the two of you write film reviews for competing Transylvanian news websites, but collaborate to produce a combined show on a local Transylvanian video channel.
Siskelsteinula & Egor (both nodding slightly, not sure if that was a question or not)
Rick Retro: Now, um, Count Doctor Siskelsteinula I’ve never met a count before, much less one who is also a doctor. What is the proper way for me to address you?
Siskelsteinula: Vell, een Tranzylwania, people uzually addrezz me az “My Lord Doktor.”
Egor: Heh heh. Exthept when they run away thcreaming.
Siskelsteinula (ignoring Egor): But pleaze, ve half no need vor vormaleeteez. You can call me Doktor eev zat eez vhat you muzt do, but eev ve are to be vriendz, you may call me Gene.
Egor (snickering): It’th thyort for Geneva. He hath never told me eef he wuth named for heeth mother, or the Thweeth lake. Heh heh heh.
Siskelsteinula (indignantly, turning to glare at Egor, who is sitting somewhat behind him in a chair on his left): At leazt I haf a mother.
Rick Retro (cutting in): So. Doctor Gene. You look quite young for such a noted film critic, and your body of work seems to go back, well, years and years. What's your secret?
Egor (smirks)
Siskelsteinula: Reek, you flatter me. I zuppoze I age wery vell.
Rick Retro: I guess it is in your genes, Doctor Gene.
Egor (rolls eyes)
Siskelsteinula: Hah! Wery cle-wer. I zee vhat you deed zere.
Rick Retro: And Mr. Egor. Should I call you Roger?
Egor: Heh. Roger that! (To Siskelsteinula) Th-ee what I did thuh-ere?
Siskelsteinula (sniffs haughtily)
Rick Retro: OK boys, play nice.
Siskelsteinula (graciously nods, but still looks peeved)
Egor (distractedly turns his attention to a large fly buzzing around his head)
Rick Retro: Before this goes any further, let me say that of course we will be delighted to have you join our team and participate in reviews from time to time. You can call in just like this to join me in a review, or maybe submit reviews of your own. We will play it by ear and see how it goes. In the meantime, feel free to comment on any reviews, past or present, and join in our Chats.
Egor (having caught the fly, while examining it closely): Heh heh. I do not theenk Thub-thtack letth theeteezenth of Tranthylvania thign up for an account.
Siskelsteinula (not noticing the shenanigans of Egor sitting behind him): Zince ve are victional charakters avter all.
Rick Retro: Good point, Doctor. Well just text me with your comments and chat responses and I will copy and paste them in for you.
Siskelsteinula: Zertainly.
Egor (pops fly in mouth and begins chewing): Thounds <crunch> good <smack> to me.
Rick Retro (disturbed): Are you eating a fly?
Egor: Heh. <cr-smack> Guethth what he eat-th! <mmch> Heh heh. Or thyould I thay dreenkth? Heh.
Siskelsteinula (turns back to glare at Egor once again)
Rick Retro: Um, right. I was going to ask you both about your background, how you became film critics, how you met, favorite film genres, and all that stuff, but look at the time! How about we let our readers pose questions in the comments?
(continues without waiting for a response, talking over background squabbling between the two critics) Thanks everybody! From my Reel Room, this has been Rick Retro with special guests Siskelsteinula & Egor. Onwards!
(in the background, now audible, since Rick Retro has stopped talking)
Siskelsteinula: ... nuhzing but a weeciouz leettle paleendromeek troll!
Egor: Thatʼth prithe-leth contheedereng you yourthelf are a blood-thuckeeng... (sound is abruptly cut off)
But Seriously — An Apologetic Explanation.
Well, I have fallen behind schedule for our current Project #3, Dark Whimsy Favorites. Last week Mrs. Retro had a milestone birthday, and today we have a milestone wedding anniversary. We had some semi-celebratory events last week, which I allowed time for in my planning of the review schedule. What I didn’t anticipate, and should have after years of experience, is that I got really sick for a few days after the celebratory events and was not able to get anything done. (It’s called post-exertional malaise and is a symptom of ME/CFS, which I have had for around 23 years now.) I will update the schedule and catch up as fast as I am able.
Behind the Scenes
AI image generation is overrated. It can be really, really hard to get the AI to do what you want it to. For the image in this post, I signed up for what reviewers claimed was the best AI image generator to use in making characters that would look consistent from one image to the next. (OpenArt) And guess what? No matter what I tried, it refused to give vampire fangs to any character I designed!
So I switched to recommended AI #2, dzine. It didn’t want to give any characters fangs either, but I discovered that after generating a character, I could select just the mouth area and tell it to give fangs and get occasional success. The picture I ended up using had the left fang in the right spot and the right fang coming out above the upper lip instead of coming out of the mouth. So I erased the right fang and decided that the one-fang look worked for this character. When I re-use the character in different images, I sometimes get the fang and sometimes don’t. Good enough for now, I guess, but not ideal!
Subscriber Count!
Twenty-nine. Not much more than last issue, when it was 26. No worries. Still not making that a high priority.
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Last updated 2025-05-12